      
   4.9146 reviews

Should I Talk to My Spouse During the Divorce?

Request a Case Review

Kantrowitz, Goldhamer, Graifman, Perlmutter & Carballo, P.C.

10b9db026d89119e951a851045ac17eee7784f79

Written/Reviewed By:

Barry S. Kantrowitz, Esq.

Last Updated: Jun 2, 2020

Read Time: 4 mins

There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to communicating during a divorce. In some cases, any communication should be avoided. In others, it is absolutely necessary. In either of the extremes – and any situation in the middle – you need to exercise caution both while talking to your soon-to-be ex and when communicating with anyone other than your lawyer.

It is easier to avoid making mistakes than to repair the damage afterward. Avoid talking to your spouse if it is reasonable to do so. If it is not, here are some of the reminders that New York divorce lawyers give clients in the midst of a marital split.

Conversations are not private during divorce

Even though a divorce is not a criminal prosecution, anything you say can and will be used against you. You need to approach the divorce knowing that anything you say to your spouse, your child’s teacher, your social network, or virtually anyone other than your attorney, can resurface in court.

The most seemingly innocent statements may be used against you by your ex. It should go without saying, then, that less-than-innocent statements – those made out of frustration, anxiety, exhaustion, or any of the other negative feelings that divorce can draw out, can also be used to bolster your spouse’s case.

It is not just conversations with your spouse that matter

You need to be careful about conversations you have with your spouse, but that is just the beginning. Anything you say or do that can make it back your spouse can harm your case, so be cautious as a rule.

Consider the ways statements may be conveyed to your spouse. Your child might repeat you; your neighbor may bump into your ex at the grocery store; a friend of a friend may share something you posted on social media. Be conscious of the statements you make and even the photos you share by assuming they will, in turn, be shared with your ex.

Be extra cautious choosing words in front of children

When you have children with your ex-to-be, the stakes are higher, and the communications are trickier.

Conversations with your spouse are usually unavoidable if you are co-parenting children. Parental decisions cannot be put on hold until after the divorce is finalized, so you will need to communicate directly with your ex to arrange time-sharing and make decisions. Be courteous, even professional, in these exchanges but do not overshare, lose your temper, or say anything that could be used to paint you in a bad light later. Consider agreeing with your ex to communicate via one of the available parenting apps; Our Family Wizard, for example, offers a tone meter that will alert you if your message is not friendly.

When it comes to the children, remember that they are in a difficult position. Never bad-mouth the other parent; when possible, portray them in the best light. Do not rely on the children to communicate with their other parent on your behalf; deliver your messages yourself.

Trust your attorney to communicate for you

One of the often-overlooked benefits of hiring a lawyer is that your attorney has the ability to communicate on your behalf. This protects you in several ways.

Your lawyer is not as emotionally involved in the process as you are so he is able to offer calm responses even in tense situations.
Your lawyer is more likely to comprehend the legal implications that can arise in your communications and therefore help you avoid pitfalls.
Directing communications to your lawyer while working out contentious topics will prevent your spouse or his or her attorney from putting pressure on you directly.

Your attorney can also guide you in best practices, since this may be your first and only divorce, but your divorce lawyer has helped clients down this road many times.

Receive expert guidance for your New York or New Jersey divorce

The actions you take right now can affect your life for years to come. Do not guess your way through the process.

The attorneys at Kantrowitz, Goldhamer, Graifman, Perlmutter & Carballo, P.C. understand the questions you have when going through a divorce in Rockland County or Bergen County. Call to schedule a confidential consultation with a divorce lawyer today.

Why Trust Us?

150+ Reviews

50+ Years of Service

Full-Service Law Firm

Client Reviews

    
 
 
      Posted on Google  
   LWelsh 
 1 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Clever and efficient.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Kenny Perlow 
 22 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. KGG Law, and Barry Kantrowitz in particular, set the bar high for what a thorough, practical, strategic, compassionate and smart lawyer can be. Everything about Barry's advice and representation was exemplary and the stress mitigation that resulted was invaluable. On top of that, the ultimate result Barry achieved was beyond what was reasonable to expect and we are forever grateful. Often, people say that you hire a lawyer to prevent a problem. Sometimes, unfortunately, you need an attorney to solve a problem and I could not recommend Barry and his firm any more highly in that regard.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Aliza Ali 
 86 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. My dad had a great experience with this law firm. From the very beginning, the team was professional, knowledgeable, and always willing to answer our questions. They kept us informed throughout the entire process and made what could have been a very stressful situation much easier to handle. We truly appreciated their dedication, honesty, and hard work. Thanks to their support, my dad felt confident every step of the way. We are very grateful for everything they did and would highly recommend this firm to anyone looking for reliable legal representation.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Jana Montero 
 89 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. I had a wonderful experience working with Sam Smith. He was very responsive, thorough, and easy to work with from start to finish. He walked me through everything clearly and made what started as a very stressful situation for me into something completely manageable. I would not hesitate to recommend him and the firm!
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Mike Sakmann 
 95 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. I sought legal advice regarding an employment matter and had an excellent experience working with Sam Smith, Esq. at KGG Law. Sam was thorough, attentive, and took the time to listen carefully to my concerns before providing clear, thoughtful guidance. I appreciated the professionalism and care shown throughout the process, and I would confidently recommend KGG Law to anyone in need of legal assistance.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Liz Hecker 
 101 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. I can't say enough about this firm. They manage to comfort you during the whole legal process while staying professional and doing what is right. I would recommend them to anyone and also hire them again if I need legal help.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Brandy Miller 
 124 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Kate is the best. She helped me very quickly, and was very attentive with all of my needs. So thankful for her
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Mike Greenspan 
 137 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Kate Carballo is a dedicated, passionate, and creative attorney whom I had the pleasure to lecture with at a state trial lawyer's conference. Kate's lecture demonstrated how she uses her innovative and "out-of-the-box thinking" to achieve outstanding results for her injured clients. That Kate is certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey as a civil trial attorney is a testament to her skills, experience and commitment to excellence.
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Jonathan Sampson 
 144 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Was referred to KGG law by a friend and could not have asked for better legal representation. They walked me through every step of the process after my accident and began every call with “ how are you feeling” which was just one example of how much they care about their clients. They handled my case very efficiently, professionally and courteously. My attorney Kate Carballo was a rock star! So clearly experienced, she consistently made me feel at ease with the process. Highly recommend
  
 
     Posted on Google  
   Vinnie Kung 
 147 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. We had a great experience with the team at KGG Law. While it was a traumatic time for our family, they made it very easy for us and explained all of our options. They even performed due diligence to make sure that after our settlement, there would be no further issues which I think is even more important than the settlement itself. Thank you!

see all reviews

Should I Talk to My Spouse During the Divorce?

Why Trust Us?

Rockland County, New York

Bergen County, New Jersey