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How to Answer Questions About Divorce

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Kantrowitz, Goldhamer, Graifman, Perlmutter & Carballo, P.C.

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Written/Reviewed By:

Barry S. Kantrowitz, Esq.

Last Updated: Jul 29, 2020

Read Time: 4 mins

One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is managing the well-being of the children involved. Adults often experience stress and anxiety both from the legal process and fear of the unknown. Children pick up on this distress while also having their own concerns. Answering your children’s questions thoughtfully and carefully can help them deal with the uncertainty about the future.

The divorce attorneys at Kantrowitz, Goldhamer, Graifman, Perlmutter & Carballo, P.C. help New York and New Jersey parents navigate these and other sensitive issues as your family works through this major transition.

Why a child’s divorce questions are different from an adult’s

Friends and family will have lots of questions about what led to your divorce, but questions from your children are different.

Children, no matter how smart or seemingly advanced, do not have the same maturity as adults. This can be difficult for parents to realize when they are going through the dissolution of their marriage. It is not uncommon for parents to begin to treat their children like miniature adults, even using them as a substitute for adult conversations in the absence of their ex-spouse. However, this is confusing and burdensome to the children.

No matter how intelligent your minor child is, resist the urge to treat them as adult friends rather than children. Avoid venting in front of them or otherwise putting them in the position where they need to provide you with emotional support. In addition to placing a burden on them, this prevents you from seeing the psychological toll that the divorce may be having on them.

Balance honesty with over-sharing

Even when striving for honesty, it is essential to remember that children do not need to hear the full truth. Selectivity is important since it prevents them from being pulled into adult matters.

It is helpful to provide answers to factual questions– like where everyone will be living and how time-sharing will take place. However, going into specifics about fault or more private details can put undue stress on a child. Instead, focus on giving age-appropriate answers in ways that address the underlying motivations driving the questions—their unease, fear of abandonment, or other emotional issues that your child may be facing. In fact, many questions are really invitations for reassurance that they are still loved and supported.

Avoid criticizing the other parent

No matter the circumstances of your marital split, never bad-mouth your ex in front of your child. This is primarily for your child’s benefit, but it also helps keep you out of trouble.

When you say negative things about your former spouse, it can make your child feel like they need to choose between the two of you. It can also create anxiety and fear to see one parent showing great hostility to someone they used to love. The divorce will likely include language forbidding either parent from disparaging the other. If you make a habit of violating this clause, it can lead to the other parent taking legal action against you. You might face a contempt action or even be accused of attempting to alienate the child from the parent, which could lead to the court cutting back on your parenting time. Your divorce attorney can help you navigate through these issues.

Help your child feel safe

Upheaval is stressful for children. The most helpful thing you can do is answer questions in a way that helps your child feel secure.

Take the time to listen to what your child is asking. Let them know you understand how they are feeling. Tell your child that you are all still family even though that family will do things differently from now on. In other words, reinforce the idea that no matter what happens they still have two parents who love them.

Get advice from a New York and New Jersey divorce lawyer

The divorce lawyers at Kantrowitz, Goldhamer, Graifman, Perlmutter & Carballo, P.C. are committed to helping residents of Bergen County and Rockland County through the toughest parts of their divorce. Our team has been supporting family law clients for decades, and we are here to help you, too.

We understand the need for you to provide a smooth transition for your children and are here to provide expert advice. Call today to speak with Paul B. Goldhamer and our divorce team. Consultations are always strictly confidential.

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   Kenny Perlow 
 29 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. KGG Law, and Barry Kantrowitz in particular, set the bar high for what a thorough, practical, strategic, compassionate and smart lawyer can be. Everything about Barry's advice and representation was exemplary and the stress mitigation that resulted was invaluable. On top of that, the ultimate result Barry achieved was beyond what was reasonable to expect and we are forever grateful. Often, people say that you hire a lawyer to prevent a problem. Sometimes, unfortunately, you need an attorney to solve a problem and I could not recommend Barry and his firm any more highly in that regard.
  
 
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 93 days ago
 
 
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 96 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. I had a wonderful experience working with Sam Smith. He was very responsive, thorough, and easy to work with from start to finish. He walked me through everything clearly and made what started as a very stressful situation for me into something completely manageable. I would not hesitate to recommend him and the firm!
  
 
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   Mike Sakmann 
 102 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. I sought legal advice regarding an employment matter and had an excellent experience working with Sam Smith, Esq. at KGG Law. Sam was thorough, attentive, and took the time to listen carefully to my concerns before providing clear, thoughtful guidance. I appreciated the professionalism and care shown throughout the process, and I would confidently recommend KGG Law to anyone in need of legal assistance.
  
 
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 108 days ago
 
 
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 131 days ago
 
 
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   Mike Greenspan 
 144 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Kate Carballo is a dedicated, passionate, and creative attorney whom I had the pleasure to lecture with at a state trial lawyer's conference. Kate's lecture demonstrated how she uses her innovative and "out-of-the-box thinking" to achieve outstanding results for her injured clients. That Kate is certified by the Supreme Court of New Jersey as a civil trial attorney is a testament to her skills, experience and commitment to excellence.
  
 
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 151 days ago
 
 
 Trustindex verifies that the original source of the review is Google. Was referred to KGG law by a friend and could not have asked for better legal representation. They walked me through every step of the process after my accident and began every call with “ how are you feeling” which was just one example of how much they care about their clients. They handled my case very efficiently, professionally and courteously. My attorney Kate Carballo was a rock star! So clearly experienced, she consistently made me feel at ease with the process. Highly recommend
  
 
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 154 days ago
 
 
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How to Answer Questions About Divorce

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